As Captain Picard ordered, Lieutenant Commander Data arrived
to greet Linky and Dinky in Transporter Room three at
precisely 1400 hours. As the two materialized, Data's
enhanced auditory systems recorded loud voices in the
matter/energy beam, well before the sounds were detected by
the duty officer monitoring the controls.

"They'll think you're an idiot if you just bolt to the
Holodeck first thing..." Linky cut his rant short as he
watched the whole of Transporter Room Three coalesce around
him. He wasn't sure how far voices in the transporter beam
would carry, but it wasn't worth the risk.

A bona fide Star Fleet Officer was standing directly in front
him, just off the beam pad.

"Welcome aboard the Enterprise," Data said, in a voice so
plain and simple and childlike it was impossible to not
instantly like him.

"Thank you," Linky replied, and he bounced off the pad, hand
thrust out, eager to meet the Federation's famed Androidic
life form.

Data complied. Shaking hands with humans originally held no
interest for him, but once he began to use the opportunity
to test the galvanic skin responses of those whose hands he
came in contact with using his epidermal sensors, it gave
new purpose to the ancient custom. Detecting a human's heart
rate, skin moisture content, muscular vigor, sinew fiber
strength, body temperature and bone mass (all of which he
could read with a simple handshake) gave him an indication
of the person's health and general condition. And sometimes
Data could induce the presence of emotional stress, which
sometimes indicated anxiety, sometimes indicated a hidden
agenda, in much the same way old-style lie-detection
machines deduced lies. And Data knew immediately that Linky
had an agenda. Dinky more so.

"Let me show you to your quarters. The Captain would like to
meet you in thirty minutes in his Ready Room." Data led the
way out of the transporter room and turned left toward the
turbolift. Linky and Dinky followed, eyes ablaze with wonder
as they soaked in the sights and sounds of the Flagship of
the Federation. Crewman passed on either side, nodding or
engrossed in conversations between themselves. The massive
Enterprise was teeming with activity. As they walked, each
long hallway they glanced down seemed to lead off to a
gently curving infinity. Exploring just one deck would take
a day, Linky thought.

"Deck 7, guest quarters," Data asked the turbolift, and
although he didn't use the word "please", he meant it. The
doors immediately closed and the vehicle shifted
horizontally for a brief period before halting to thrust
upward. Environmental controls could entirely remove the
sensation of motion from the turbolifts, but engineers
learned long ago that people like to feel their elevator on
it's way, so the inertial dampers were dialed down to 80%.
Enough to feel the speed, not enough to knock passengers
down.

A near continuous stream of announcements poured into the
car as the group shunted up 30 decks. "Lieutenant Bringham
to Stellar Cartography" "Delta Shift meet in conference room
37 at 0230" "Medic to Crew Quarters 1-4-1-8, Medic to
1-4-1-8"

"Commander Data," Linky started, carefully choosing his
words, "After our meeting with the Captain, we would very
much enjoy a tour of the ship... would you be available for
such a favor?"

"That will depend upon the Captain's orders. I have many
other duties to perform. Although I often conduct tours,
other crew members are quite capable to perform that task,
should the Captain order it." Data always answered questions
thoroughly. "You can also expect to be asked to visit Sick
Bay for a few minutes. Dr. Crusher, or one of her staff,
will give you a routine check. It is standard procedure for
all new passengers aboard the Enterprise."

"Sure, we understand." Linky snapped a quick look at Dinky,
but he wasn't listening, having been completely taken in by
an examination of the manual controls of the turbolift.

"Can one turbolift go to each and every stop in the elevator
system?" Dinky asked.

"Yes, although it rarely happens," Data answered. Sensing
that Dinky was interested in the transportation system
aboard the Enterprise, he continued: "The Enterprise has 46
turbolift cars running along a sealed route encompassing all
decks of the saucer section, the star drive and the two
major nacelle struts. The length of the entire system is
87,450 meters, utilizing 412 stops. The computer controls
the path and speed of each car. The shortest route to a
destination may not be chosen by the computer if a route
with less traffic is available allowing for shorter trip
duration. An officer may verbally override the transport
system, giving his car priority to its destination. The
maximum speed of a turbolift car can reach 50 meters per
second. A trip between the two furthest stops under ideal
conditions would require only 48 seconds...."

"Mr. Data," Linky interrupted. "What can you tell us about
the holodecks?" he leaned back against the hand rail,
smiling. Mr. Data was an enormous wealth of information.

"The Enterprise has three Holodecks which are authorized for
use by officers and crew. Visitors may also use the
holodecks with the Captain's authorization."

Dinky jolted at that. "We have to ask Captain Picard before
we can use a Holodeck?" He didn't like that restriction one
bit. What if Picard said no?

"It is usually only a formality. The Holodeck has safety
protocols in place to prevent any harm coming to a user,"
Data explained.

With that, the turbolift doors swished open and a new,
identical set of hallways lay ahead, bright and clean,
inviting all to wander among them. Data walked quickly down
the central hallway and stopped at a door marked "708". He
lightly touched a panel and the door moved aside. The group
entered.

"This is a Companion Quarters, two bedrooms with a common
area shared."

"You mean a 'suite'" Linky remarked, walking around the room
quickly, ducking his head into both bedrooms. They were
identical, no need to quickly claim the best one for
himself. Dinky darted to the window which filled nearly one
whole side of the room -- a giant curved glass wall
revealing the black pit of space, teaming with stars.

"A 'suite', yes sir." Data moved to one of the walls "This
is the Comm Port and Replicator. Both accept verbal
commands, and both provide user instructions with the verbal
command 'help'". Data moved to the door. "I will leave you
to make yourself comfortable. Your meeting with the Captain
is in 22 minutes. By entering the turbolift down the hall,
your verbal command of "bridge" will take you directly to
the main bridge in a few seconds. I will be on the Bridge,
and I will introduce you to the Captain." With that he was
gone.

"This is FANTASTIC!" Dinky exclaimed, dancing around the
common area. "Did you ever EVER think we'd make it to the
Enterprise?"

"Yeah, we're here alright, I just hope we can stay a while,"
Linky was a bit worried. He looked up at the ceiling. "Do
you think they listen in?"

"No reason to, we're honored guests!" Dinky laughed. He
sauntered over to the replicator, bending down and speaking
loudly: "Ice cream sundae."

With a whir and a muted cascade of light, an ice cream
sundae materialized. It was so cold, tiny wisps of vapor
dehumidified up into the air.

"Oh, this is good" Dinky murmured, sitting on the standard
issue couch. It was covered with a material very soft yet
seemed strong enough to break a fingernail, if a person
really tried.

Linky was all business: "Listen, when we meet the Captain,
you WILL NOT speak, do you understand?" He fell into an easy
chair, the back of which immediately reshaped itself to
support his lumbar. "Cool, moving furniture!" He wiggled
around, making the furniture follow him.

"The only thing I'm going to say to the Captain is this,"
Dinky cleared his throat and angered his face. Loudly: "What
gives you the right, Picard? A Starship Captain is not God!"

Dinky laughed at Linky's bemused expression. "Or how about
this? 'They invade our space, and we fall back. They
assimilate entire worlds, and we fall back. Not again! The
line must be drawn HE-ahr" Dinky tried to put a Shakespearean
accent on the last word. He never got it right.

"Don't forget that Worf will be just outside the Ready Room.
You could be in the brig in less than 48 seconds, 'because
the turbolift has a maximum speed of 50 meters per second'"
Linky's mimic of Data wasn't appreciated very long because
the doorbell suddenly rang.

The two stared at each other, momentarily unable to decide
what to do. Dinky got it right: "Come!"

Captain Jean-Luc Picard stepped into their quarters. He
wasn't smiling. "I'm Captain Picard" He extended his hand,
Linky and Dinky rose to shake it. The power of Picard's
persona gripped them like a bear hug. This was a giant of a
man. His entering the room seemed to physically change it.
He was in charge. It could be felt, smelt and tasted.

Linky stammered "I'm Linky... and this is Dinky. We're both
very happy to meet..."

"Your stay onboard the Enterprise will be brief. It is my
intention to get you off my ship as soon as I can." Picard
stepped toward the viewing window, Linky and Dinky swiveled
their bodies to keep facing him.

"Captain, I..."

He turned and nearly shouted: "I do not appreciate my ship
being offered as a door prize!"

Linky opened his mouth, started to say something, then
closed it. He looked over at Dinky, turned back to Picard
and opened his mouth again, then stopped again.

But Dinky spoke up: "You know, a long time ago, there was a
Star Trek museum in Las Vegas..."

"You mean 400 years ago," Linky corrected.

"Yeah, 400 years ago there was a fantastic Star Trek
attraction in one of the casinos. It had stuff to buy and a
very cool ride which was like walking around the Enterprise.
We loved it."

Picard was astonished at this. Is this Dinky person insane?
Does he pose a danger to the ship? But he continued to
listen.

Dinky went on, "So we wanted to visit the real thing, you
know, and we found a way to do it, and here we are." Dinky
slumped back in his chair, somehow assured that his
statement explained everything.

"Computer!" Picard barked. "Professional history of 'Linky
and Dinky', of earth, present day."

The boys looked at each other shocked, as if suddenly the
gig was up. They could only sit and listen. The voice of the
ship's computer began speaking as if she were another person
in the room:

"Linky and Dinky, authors and publishers of a subspace
periodical recommending and reviewing areas of interest
within the Galactic Comm Grid. Currently over 250 trillion
registered subscribers in the Alpha Quadrant. Linky and
Dinky have been continually publishing for 400 years,
beginning circa 1997 via the old Earth network. The
popularity of Linky and Dinky is unsurpassed by any other
cultural icon. The term "linkydinkyalize" is listed in
Websters' 312th edition as "to describe an entity or concept
in a humorous yet informative manner." The works of Linky
and Dinky and its franchise have won hundreds of awards, and
is considered..."

"Stop!" Picard ordered. He stepped menacingly toward the
seated boys. "I've heard enough. I want you to explain to me
how your little joke circus induced Starfleet Command to
invite you take a vacation on board my ship!"

Linky was surprised. Picard didn't know what this was all
about! He made his face as innocent as he could: "President
Mainstone is a fan," he stated simply.

"Yeah!" Dinky added. "He loves us! He asked us what he could
do as a favor and we said 'let's go on a trip on the
Enterprise'."

Picard was incredulous, but his confusion was slowly
clearing up. No wonder the temporary transfer orders for
Linky and Dinky were submitted by subspace, rather than face
to face on a comm screen. This was all something of a
vengeful joke. Several weeks ago, during a composium
attended by most of Star Fleet's upper crust, Federation
President Mainstone had chided Picard on his predilection
for ancient classics. Shakespeare, Mornaman, Melville, and
so forth, refusing to even taste the popular writings of the
day. "I haven't the time nor the patience for buffoonery of
the literary arts, especially the fluff which thoroughly
permeates the Galactic Grid." Picard punctuated his
statement by returning his half glass of champagne to a
passing waiter's tray. "Nor will I indulge an ill-mannered
wine such as that." He was haughty, he was pompous, and now
President Mainstone was forcing his favorite "cultural icon"
down Picard's throat.

"He said he would order you to be nice to us, and that you
would like us after a while," Dinky said.

"Even the vaunted President of the Federation of Planets can
misjudge a situation." Picard exhaled slowly, began to
smile, folded his hands in front of him, and completely
changed his mood: "Would you two Galactic Celebrities allow
my crew to meet you at an informal gathering in Ten
Forward?"

This wasn't expected, and Linky suspected some sort of
surprise would be in store for them, but there was no
denying the Captain's invitation. "We'd be honored."

"Can we tour the ship... or the holodeck first? I mean, that
party will be tonight, won't it?" Dinky asked anxiously.

"Oh no, we should start right away! First shift is just
about to be relieved, they'll be pleasantly surprised to
know that the heroes of the Galactic Grid are on board. Come
with me, please!" Picard stepped right up to the door as it
swished open in the nick of time. The boys followed.

Word spread quickly that Linky and Dinky were on board and
were being received in the employee lounge. The room seemed
to instantly fill with uniforms, all shoulder-to-shoulder.
The crowd around Linky and Dinky encircled them so tightly
there was little room to hoist a drink. The crew of the
Enterprise pummeled Linky and Dinky with questions.

"Where do you FIND all that stuff?" "I still have every
copy, I save every one!" "My friends are sick of me talking
about L&D!" "I spend at least two hours everyday in the
Secret Clubhouse!" "Do you remember the Time-shifting Frog
Jumping game? I transferred from another ship and I really
want to find it again" "My favorite one was the dancing
hamsters" on and on it went.

It was Commander Riker who finally lifted their misery, some
six hours later: "I think our guests have had enough for one
day. Let's let them call it a night." Linky looked up at him
in adulation as the crowd parted, opening a gauntlet to the
door.

Linky and Dinky stumbled back to their quarters, thinking
they were drunk from the free drinks, forgetting they can't
get drunk from synthahol, exhausted from the questioning and
cramped from sitting and signing for so many hours.

"I don't like being popular," Dinky said and fell into bed.

Dr. Crusher awoke them at six bells. "Good morning,
gentlemen. It's time for your examination. I had breakfast
with the Captain, and he says you two have been neglecting
your health. Please follow me to Sick Bay."

After three hours of the most rigorous physical examination
the boys ever thought possible, they were released from Sick
Bay into the custody of Lieutenant Worf. "The Captain
suggested I lead you in a rigorous fitness exercise."

Klingon fitness regimen adheres to the philosophy that pain
is merely another side of pleasure. Worf taught this
philosophy as he forced Linky and Dinky through two hours of
bone-jarring muscle-straining Pain'rcise in the ship's gym.

Again, Commander Riker rescued them. He entered the Gym to
find both Linky & Dinky panting, stooped and half-heartedly
pushing against the resistance of an exercise machine. Mr.
Worf stood by, and would have been smiling if Klingons
smiled.

Riker sized up the situation and decided they were done.
"Thanks to Mr. Worf, I'm sure you too are cardiovascularized
and ready to begin your studies!" He said.

"Studies?" Linky looked up. Their dream vacation aboard the
Enterprise never seemed to end.

"Yes, of course!" Riker answered, pulling Dinky up off a mat
with one hand. Dinky managed to keep his feet, and briefly
considered running away and hiding, but the effort would
hurt too much. Riker kept talking, "A fascinating class is
beginning in a few minutes, and the Captain has requested
that you be allowed to audit it."

"What's the class about?" Linky asked. It wasn't about
Holodeck Pleasures, he was sure of that.

"Introduction to Warp Field Mechanics with emphasis on
Subspace Quantum Sequencing" Riker told them. "But don't get
too excited, I don't think it's as interesting as it
sounds."

He led the boys to the classroom and sat them down on the
front row. To the instructor he admonished: "Captain Picard
thanks you for taking these two students at the last minute.
He appreciates any special attention you can give them,
since they haven't been through the academy." Riker paused
and smiled. "Yet." he finished.

"How long is this class?" Dinky asked. He was already
slumping in his seat.

"Six hours and 45 minutes, with a break after three hours,"
The instructor answered. "But it will go very quickly, we
have a lot of material to cover!"

They couldn't sleep. The instructor continually asked them
questions about material they just covered, and constantly
involved them in speculative conversation and discussion
regarding the subject matter.

At the three hour mark, Linky and Dinky intended to dash
back to their quarters and nap, hopefully undisturbed, but
expecting security guards to collect them for the remainder
of the class. But they never had a chance to try the plan,
because as soon as the Instructor called for a Break, the
doors opened and several dozen Enterprise crew flooded in
and surrounded them, begging for autographs, asking
questions faster than anyone could answer, completely
monopolizing their time.

Within minutes, break time was over, and neither Linky nor
Dinky even had a chance to leave the room.

Three grueling hours and 45 tortuous minutes later, the
class ended. Luckily, only a handful of crew members were
hanging around outside the doors, and the energetic groupies
followed the boys all the way to the turbolift and back to
their room. Linky and Dinky mumbled apologies, vanished into
their quarters and collapsed.

The next time they opened their eyes, it was the face of
Wesley Crusher they saw.

"Good morning," he said cheerfully. "We have to get going.
We're supposed to depart in 15 minutes!"

"Depart to where... FROM where?" It was a groan, but a
question too. Linky pulled the sheet up over his head. He
had dreamed about Star Trek before, this must be another
dream.

"From Shuttle Bay two," Wesley answered. "We've got a
15-hour voyage to Earth. I'm your pilot, but I have business
on Earth, too." The boy bridge officer moved around the
room, gathering up what little Linky had managed to unpack
and stuffed it into his bag. The bag had a giant "L"
embroidered on it.

"It's going to be a great trip," Wesley said, beaming. "I've
got a million questions for you! And we can surf the
Galactic Grid right from the shuttle! You can show me all
the cool stuff you know about!"

Linky sat up in the bed and rubbed his face. "But why is our
visit over? We were supposed to have a week!" He wasn't too
upset about it, he had already experienced enough of the
Enterprise to last a lifetime.

"Orders. The Enterprise has been summoned to Seti Alpha 6 to
rescue colonists. It's going to be a five week resettlement
mission." Wesley left the room to wake up Dinky. Moments
later a pillow flew out into the common area.

So Linky and Dinky shuttled away from the Enterprise, and
began a 15-hour flight to Earth. Wesley was fun company,
showing them some tricks with the shuttle's replicator,
converting it into a miniature holodeck. They couldn't enter
it, it was too small, but they could watch it and interact
with it all the same. They pulled down some racy
holo-scenarios from the Galactic Grid and played them out in
3D on the replicator's table.

It was Dinky who dreamed up the last laugh. He wanted to
send a Thank You message to Captain Picard, but also shunt
revenge upon him for making their visit to the Enterprise
miserable. So Dinky sent Picard a comm-note that
automatically redirected the Captain's screen to Linky &
Dinky's area on the Grid. A new welcome screen was now in
place for Linky & Dinky, and trillions of L&D fans would see
it every time they visited: a faked video-loop of the
Captain, bear-hugging Linky and Dinky with tears streaming
down his face. Picard's distinctive voice clearly saying "I
love you two so much, please come visit me again soon!"

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