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I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
--Age 15
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
--Age 13
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen's. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.
--Age 8
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.
--Age 10
Home is where the house is.
--Age 6
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
--Age 13
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks.
--Age 15
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.
--Age 6
My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and burn eternally-- but I didn't want to upset him.
--Age 10
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.
--Age 5
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower.
--Age 11
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.
--Age 14
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.
--Age 7
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
--Age 15
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.
--Age 5
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with!
--Age 6
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"
--Age 15
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right?
--Age 15
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.
--Age 15
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the
chips and dip coming.
--Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they Grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're
stuck with.
--Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
--Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You Got to be a fool to get
married.
--Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on Whether they seem to be yelling at the
same kids.
--Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
--Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each
other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
--Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date.
--Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers
and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
--Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. --Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with
that.
--Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them
and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
--Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never
going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
--Theodore, age 8
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone
to clean up after them.
--Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
--Kelvin, age 8
"And the #1 Favorite is........"
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
--Ricky, age 10
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.
The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Equator: A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You........ Mess It Up.
Strike While The........ Bug Is Close.
It's Always Darkest Before........ Daylight Savings Time.
Never Under Estimate The Power Of........ Termites.
You Can Lead A Horse To Water But....... How?
Don't Bite The Hand That... .....Looks Dirty.
No News Is........ Impossible.
A Miss Is As Good As A........ Mr.
You Can't Teach An Old Dog New........ Math.
If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll........Stink In The Morning.
Love All, Trust........ Me
The Pen Is Mightier Than The........ Pigs.
An Idle Mind Is........ The Best Way To Relax.
Where There's Smoke, There's........ Pollution.
Happy The Bride Who........ Gets All The Presents!
A Penny Saved Is........ Not Much.
Two's Company, Three's........ The Musketeers.
Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And......You Have To Blow Your Nose.
Children Should Be Seen And Not........ Spanked Or Grounded.
If At First You Don't Succeed........ Get New Batteries.
When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... .....Get Out Of The Way.
Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.
Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.
Forget the cake, go for the icing.
Never let a cat mind your pet bird.
Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.
Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
Don't ever be too full for dessert.
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Never do pranks at a police station.
Never spit when on a roller coaster.
When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.
Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do.
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
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